Ri’s Read: Re-examining My Values with The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson

Finally… a self help book that I actually loved.

I managed to finish it in about two & a half weeks, despite stopping literally every five seconds to furiously jot down notes. I’ll admit that I wasn’t expecting the content to resonate so much. I expected it t0 be witty, simple, and at most, common sensical (is that a thing? Lol). What it turned out to be was counterintuitive, yet meaningful; blunt, yet insightful. Also… this dude is hilarious. I very much enjoyed his humor lol.

Anyway. Have you ever heard someone complain that they try so hard, and care too much, and they always end up hurt in the end? Or what about this one — LOL, I know we all know this one — “when I stopped looking for it, it fell into my lap!”

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is a guidepost on learning how to focus and prioritize your thoughts effectively — how to choose what matters to you and what doesn’t based on finely honed personal values.

There’s value in suffering.

Too much of anything is a bad thing… including positivity.

Constant positivity, even when things honestly just suck, is not the virtue flex that we think it is. It’s a form of avoidance. Negative emotions are an integral component of emotional health. Your emotions are a feedback mechanism… and just like we wouldn’t ignore the sensation of physical pain, we shouldn’t ignore the sensation of emotional pain.

You can’t get around suffering. You have to go through it. And we experience a lot of suffering as humans, because let’s face it — we are, as a species, impossible to please. We are always dissatisfied in some way. You think that becoming rich will erase all of your anxiety, until you become rich and now you have anxiety about not losing your money. You think that getting your dream job will bring you instant happiness, until you get the job and now you barely have time for a social life. It’s one thing after the next, my God!

Manson spends a lot of time talking about problems, and how, paradoxically, they are the happiness heralders and meaning machines in our lives. We will always have problems, no matter how much we attempt to avoid them. The catch? They better be damned good problems.

You see, having meaningful problems to solve gives our lives some color and a sense of direction. Healthy stress, aka eustress, produces feelings of excitement, satisfaction, and well-being that are extremely beneficial to us as humans, mentally and emotionally. Think about that ultra-rich socialite who has everything they could possibly want, not a care or a significant problem in the world, but is still somehow unhappy. Unfulfilled. They feel like something is missing. Well, that’s because it is. What’s missing is meaning.

Denying your negative emotions means denying that you have problems. And having problems… having to struggle for something, to work for it… is how we value and appreciate things. It’s how we generate happiness and meaning. I guess that’s one more thing our mamas were all right about?

It’s not you, it’s your priorities.

Good news: You’re enough, sis. Them priorities, though? Are not.

This whole section of the book kinda dragged me by my edges, I’ll be honest. Manson argues that the reason most of us are unhappy is because the metrics by which we’re choosing to measure our worth (aka, our values), are unhealthy. How do you know if your values are shitty? Well, many poor values are fulfilled in external ways — constant pleasure and positivity, material success, always being right, and needing to be liked by everyone, for example. On the contrary, healthier values, such as honesty, curiosity, humility, and charity, usually come from within. They’re inherently more meaningful, and where there’s meaning, pleasure naturally follows. This is not always the case in the reverse.

I had to really take a moment to look inward and reflect on what my virtues are.

I discovered that I am a people pleaser a lot of the time, and I have so much anxiety because of it. I’ve been afraid to upset others, step on toes, take up space, because I can recall so many instances in which I was mocked or discarded by people who I cared for. I realized that I can be materialistic and yes, money has very much so bought my happiness — though usually temporarily. On top of all this, teasing through the complexities of my why… why my values are what they are, has been both jarring and solacing. But that’s another story for another day.

Pleasure is the most superficial form of life satisfaction and is therefore the easiest to obtain and the easiest to lose.

Mark Manson, The subtle art of not giving a F*ck

Redefining your values will, unsurprisingly, help navigate everything else into alignment in your life. Your problems won’t go away, but they may feel a little less overwhelming and a little more meaningful. You’ll have a better sense of who you are and what’s important to you. Naturally, you’ll be more content because of it.

Have you read this book? If so, let me know what you thought about it in the comments. On your list? Head over to my Amazon Storefront to grab a copy! Not interested? Check out my other reviews and recommendations here.