Ri’s Read: 5 Things I’m Saying Yes To After Reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
“You never say ‘yes’ to anything.”
Those six words, casually declared by Shonda Rhimes’ older sister Delorse over Thanksgiving dinner prep, were the catalyst for a transformative, yes-filled year that would reveal to Shonda just how much of her life had been on autopilot.
I won’t act like this was an amazing book, or that it was even close to becoming a favorite. Admittedly, it was really hard to read at times because Shonda’s writing style was so offputting — which is ironic, given that she’s one of the most successful Black woman writers out right now. She had a very repetitive, chatty tone that made me say aloud, “omg PLEASE get to the point!” on multiple occasions. I often found myself skimming over passages because she would spend a whole page repeating the same thing, over and over.
If you could get past the fluff, though, there was some really good content. “Year of Yes” is a great experiment in expanding your horizons and being intentional about how you interact with yourself and with the world. We place so much emphasis on the value of saying “no” — to settling, to bending our values to appease others. But there is equal value in saying “yes” — to betting on yourself, and choosing growth over comfort. The sweet spot is developing the discernment to choose correctly.
This book was right on time for me. I have always struggled with anxiety, especially socially. I can’t even count how many times I’ve passed on good opportunities because fear pushed me deeper into the familiarity of my comfort zone. Shonda explained that although her life appeared glamorous, it felt small. People stopped asking her to go places and do things altogether, because she had become a predictable pillar of “no’s.” She was living, she was succeeding, but she wasn’t thriving. She wasn’t happy.
Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one no at a time.
Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes
So, friends, I’ve decided to say “yes,” too. And here are the five areas where I’ll start.
1. Yes to new experiences and opportunities
Nothing grows inside your comfort zone.
I recently agreed to speak on a panel for an organization back home in Chicago. When I got the request, I almost instinctively declined, as I’ve always had anxiety about speaking or presenting in front of people. I remembered that I was reading Year of Yes and thought, okay, this will be my first big “yes!”
I’m no longer saying no to enriching experiences and rewarding opportunities under the guise of feeling underqualified or incapable. On too many occasions, I’ve allowed perfectionism to paralyze me, and fear to diminish my confidence. Fear of failure, of rejection. Fear of judgment.
I’ve watched others flourish and convinced myself that I could never do the same. But why? Why have I given up before I’ve even started? Why have I counted myself out, when I know that I have the passion and the drive?
Gone are the days.
2. Yes to “Play time”
Shonda described the lightbulb moment during which she kicked her shoes off and sat down to play with her daughters, saying “yes” when they asked despite already being late for an event. She realized that she had become so devoted to her work that she never played anymore. Not only literally, with her daughters, but metaphorically… she never did anything for herself.
I’m saying yes to not feeling guilty for indulging in things that make me happy, slowing down to smell the roses or bask in the sun. I’ll admit that I’ve programmed myself to maximize my time so that it’s being spent as productively as possible, but constantly poring over what needs to be checked off your to-do list prevents you from engaging in the present moment.
I’m saying yes to experiencing joy and leisure. Shifting from drive into park so that I can properly pour into myself. I want to dedicate at least 30 uninterrupted minutes a day to indulging in something that I enjoy, just for me.
3. Yes to healthy, fulfilling relationships
Having anxiety related to social interactions has kicked my ass in more ways than one. I’ve always felt self-conscious about my role in other people’s lives, and because of it, I’ve probably put a lot less effort than I’d like to admit into friendships that were, and still are, very valuable to me. Because hey, if the friendship falls to the wayside, I know it’s because we just didn’t keep close, not because they found me to be boring or annoying or replaceable… right?
A healthy relationship is a two way street. If I wanna say yes to them, I also have to say yes to facing whatever inner demons keep convincing me that I’m not worthy of fulfilling friendships. And I have to say yes to consistently showing up within those friendships.
Because the truth is, I am more than capable of pouring into others, and I am more than worthy of others pouring into me.
4. Yes to who I am
This one has everything to do with showing up for myself. There’s a chapter in Year of Yes in which Shonda shares the struggle she faced with her weight, becoming complacent with it although not being happy about it. She realizes that this is something about herself that she has the power to change, but has obviously chosen not to.
You can’t eat the entire pack of Oreos and then complain about the fupa, honey. But if you do wanna eat the Oreos, and you’ve chosen not to mind the fupa, that’s okay, too. The point is, there are versions of our story that we have the power to write, and we have to align ourselves with our decisions and show up for whichever version that is. No complaints — because that’s the version we’ve said yes to. That’s how intention works.
There’s another chapter in which she explains how timid she used to be about accepting compliments. How that stemmed from her inability to accept her own excellence.
Saying yes to who you are means being gentle with yourself when you can, and firm with yourself when you should. It also means taking up space in this world and being proud about it. The proper way to use your light is to shine it on those around you, not to dim it for the sake of someone else’s comfort. Downplaying our greatness isn’t the humble, auspicious act that we think it is. So let’s stop with that, yeah?
5. Yes to saying “No”
Often we say no because we’re scared to say yes, but sometimes we say yes because we’re scared to say no. We don’t want to cause conflict or confrontation. We don’t want to lose a friend or step on toes. Maybe we just aren’t quite sure how to politely say “no.”
I’m saying no to things that truly do not serve me, and I’m not apologizing for it. Saying no to these things — overtime at work, lending money you don’t really feel comfortable lending, constant one-sided favors, overstepped boundaries — is ultimately a way of saying yes to a better quality of life. It means protecting your peace, your energy, your time.
The people who are meant for you will accept this because the people who are meant for you love you and want what’s best for you. Using your voice is your birthright. Speaking up for yourself is your superpower.
I hope you’re inspired to venture outside of your comfort zone, ’cause I sure am. If you want to grab a copy of Year of Yes, click here. If you’ve read it already, what did you think about it? What are some things you’re gonna start saying yes to? Comment below!
